It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
