Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
