I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
