Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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