She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just had sex on a roof
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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