And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
