that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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