just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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