The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
