Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize