life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
