if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Boobs speak an international language.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
