you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
