I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize