I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
