the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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