so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
