The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
