Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize