guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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