I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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