Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
