I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
