good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize