It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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