So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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