so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
