Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
