i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
