I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
