jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
