Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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