Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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