I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I love you. Go after that dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize