I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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