Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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