I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
