great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
