he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
