Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
