Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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