For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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