Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
