i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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