she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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