i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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