She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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