my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
