I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
