So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
