I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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