Someone shit on the floor
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
