And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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