I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
