your parents love me but you hate me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
