i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
did i walk over a car last night?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize