you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
