Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
