Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My life is pants optional.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
