I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
