Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
