i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
