I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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