Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
