I hate all girls vehemently.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
