My nipple is on Facebook.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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