Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
