I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize