So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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